Psalm 51
The house still smells like meat from yesterday’s cooking. The hours passed quickly. Life is passing quickly. How can I slow things down, Father? Isn’t there any way?
It’s up in the morning, a quick day, and then lying down at night. I’m looking for a deeper level of fulfillment and enjoyment. Nothing satisfies those deepest longings. I want to learn to live in the now. This is Life. This daily-ness is it. How do I experience joy in this cycle because I’m aging as I watch. I am doing things because they’re on the calendar, living from one set time to the next, feeling like I’m wasting much of the time in between.
I feel like I am missing something that must exist. I remember it as a child – an adventurous spirit, an excitement of each moment. I would lie down at night satisfied, content, thankful for the experiences of that day. Truly that lasted until 9th grade. Then the curse set in. This weight and burden. A seriousness that robs me of life and leaves me feeling used, shallow, empty.
I keep thinking that because You love me so much and are so good to me that my gratitude and relationship with you will right the boat. Am I wrong? Why do I feel guilty for not liking life and enjoying my moments to a more satisfied degree? Is it a sin to feel this way? Am I different than all Your other children?
Lord, I can’t keep up. I want to slow down. I feel pushed and pulled in my adult life. Please speak through my confession and tell me how it should be in me. Tell me if I’m wrong to feel this way. Show me how to change. Is it a mind renewing process, or something I need to do? Whisper to me Jesus, I need Your Life giving words.
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit in me.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.
(Psalm 51:1, 3)
Thursday, September 22, 2005 ~ Kristen Sauder
Perfectly, beautifully, accurately written……from one heart, to so many other hearts who echo amens~ Mine included!
So much wisdom and honesty in her journal…..this is wonderful stuff! Thanks for sharing it with us. Love you guys!
Thank you for sharing these jounal entries. Our lives often do become a never ending routine of “to do lists. It reminds me that this is not our home…..true joy and contentment is found in the presence of ou Heavenly Father.
I do so appreciate that you have been sharing these awesome thoughts straight from Kristen’s heart. As I remember such a godly woman and realize that she too was human and had hard, ordinary days that tested her faith, she is all the more identifiable and helpful in my life; and I am sure in the lives of others, too. This strengthens my faith to know that dear Kristen shared the same thoughts that I have on occasion. It also makes it special that she and I had the same birthday. (not the year, though :))